I didn’t want him. I never did.
It doesn’t make a lot of sense, how I became his little secret and how I could still look you in the face every day and act like it was all copacetic. Even now, almost two years later, why exactly I let it happen in the first place is a mystery unto me. I never really did find him all that attractive and he wasn’t my type anyway. So what was it about him that made me want him
Maybe it was the simple fact that he was yours.
That’s probably a large part of it. I’d always liked a challenge, and a large part of me becoming the other woman was because I wanted to see how easily I could, if I could, if your relationship was as strong as you claimed it was. A more marginal part of it was because I liked the attention, because I wanted what you guys had without the commitment.
And how selfish is that? I feel horrible, knowing that I took what you had just because I was too damn lazy to find my own. I’m ashamed, really, and embarrassed, but I can’t change it, I can only admit to it and ask that you forgive me.
Being the other woman leads you to delusions; you think he’ll leave her for you, only because you hope he will. You believe he loves you because he says that he does and then follows it with kisses to your neck and back. You hold onto the thought that you’re winning something, when in reality, you lose in the end. A friendship, a piece of your pride, your self-esteem and even him. You lose what you thought you had, and for what?
I didn’t do it to hurt you. I actually think we were friends. I wanted to tell you so badly before you went to school, but I didn’t...want to hurt you. I didn’t want you to feel like your entire relationship was a lie. I didn’t want you to hate me, hate him.
Now we don’t talk anymore. You and I, you and he, he and I, all of us. In our youth, you promised him forever, which he then promised me, and I took that promise and traded it with him for a promise of transience. Now all of it means nothing, and I’m left with a guilty conscience, and an apology you might never read. An apology you might not have needed, and you may not want. An apology from your friend, who happened to be the other woman.
Ely Murray is a student at William Peace University in Raleigh, NC. You can find her on Twitter and Instagram @agirlcalledely.'